How to Forge a Mentoring Relationship, by Patrick Cook-Deegan
Here are eight lessons I have learned about what makes for effective mentoring, particularly for young men.
1. Bring in mindfulness
Studies suggest that young men have a particularly hard time sitting still and being with their thoughts. I begin mentoring sessions with mindfulness meditation and end with compassion meditation. Practicing mindfulness mediation helps young men experience stillness and be with their own thoughts and feelings. One of my mentees now sits three times a week for 15 minutes outside of our sessions; he says it allows him to feel more comfortable with himself.
2. Practice positive coaching
Young men are rarely asked to envision a healthy future for themselves. But recent studies suggest that positive coaching—in which a mentor helps nurture a mentee’s aspirations and goals for growth—can help the mentee better visualize their future and deal with stress. These improvements are even reflected in changes in the neural pathways of their brain.
I ask my young men to set goals for themselves in all areas of their lives: meaningful friendships, relationships with parents and siblings, how they treat themselves and others. After one of my mentees went on a long, much-needed walk with his mom to talk about their relationship, I praised him for doing something that took a lot of courage.
3. Take the longview
I have been taking annual week-long classes taught by one of my mentors for six years. It took mesix full years to really understand what he was teaching. There is a power in being patient as a mentor. This is especially true when working with adolescents. Neither of you may appreciate how you have changed their life until they are making a decision five years later and think of you and something you told them.
4. Embody what you teach
You have to practice what you preach. It sounds simple, but it is very clear to young people if you are being authentic. The Good Work Project found that positive mentors had three distinct qualities: perseverance in the face of adversity, professional creativity, and a commitment to the mission and values of their work. Young people mentored by elders with these qualities were more likely to embody these qualities themselves. This is a great benefit of being a mentor: It makes you more committed to cultivating your own positive values.
President Obama visits a B.A.M. group in Hyde Park, Chicago. B.A.M.
5. Show vulnerability
As a mentor you have to be willing to be vulnerable with your mentees about what is going on inside you. If you want your mentees to open up, you have to be willing to share as well as appropriate (this makes it very different from a classic therapist-patient relationship)—at least within certain limits.
For example, one of my young guys was having a lot of trouble with his girlfriend. Without going into too much detail, I told him that I was also having a tough time in my relationship, that relationships are hard, and that there is no silver bullet. This openness created a sense of connection between us. You do not need to pretend like you know everything to be a good mentor; you just have to be real about what you do and do not know.
6. Don’t force it
I had one young man whose parents really wanted me to mentor their son, but he showed no interest in repeated attempts to connect. At the end of the day, if a young person does not want to be mentored, it will not work. Similarly, you need to have a genuine connection between the mentor and mentee for the relationship to work. I met with one young man who I just could not connect with. You do not need to judge yourself or blame yourself. Just let it go and be honest about the fact that some people don’t click.
7. Don’t take yourself too seriously
Do not confuse meaningfulness with seriousness. When I first started mentoring, I made it very serious and was overbearing at times. Over the years, I learned that if I lightened up, made some jokes, and found ways to bring humor in, I invited more intimacy, connection, and made the whole thing a lot more fun (which is important if you are going to do this for many years).
8. Don’t think too hard
Of course, there is nothing revolutionary in any of this. Humans have been mentoring humans for thousands of years. In fact for most of human history, mentoring and apprenticeships were the predominate mode of learning. As is so often the case in our culture, we need to re-learn what once was a predominant mode of being.
Here are eight lessons I have learned about what makes for effective mentoring, particularly for young men.
1. Bring in mindfulness
Studies suggest that young men have a particularly hard time sitting still and being with their thoughts. I begin mentoring sessions with mindfulness meditation and end with compassion meditation. Practicing mindfulness mediation helps young men experience stillness and be with their own thoughts and feelings. One of my mentees now sits three times a week for 15 minutes outside of our sessions; he says it allows him to feel more comfortable with himself.
2. Practice positive coaching
Young men are rarely asked to envision a healthy future for themselves. But recent studies suggest that positive coaching—in which a mentor helps nurture a mentee’s aspirations and goals for growth—can help the mentee better visualize their future and deal with stress. These improvements are even reflected in changes in the neural pathways of their brain.
I ask my young men to set goals for themselves in all areas of their lives: meaningful friendships, relationships with parents and siblings, how they treat themselves and others. After one of my mentees went on a long, much-needed walk with his mom to talk about their relationship, I praised him for doing something that took a lot of courage.
3. Take the longview
I have been taking annual week-long classes taught by one of my mentors for six years. It took mesix full years to really understand what he was teaching. There is a power in being patient as a mentor. This is especially true when working with adolescents. Neither of you may appreciate how you have changed their life until they are making a decision five years later and think of you and something you told them.
4. Embody what you teach
You have to practice what you preach. It sounds simple, but it is very clear to young people if you are being authentic. The Good Work Project found that positive mentors had three distinct qualities: perseverance in the face of adversity, professional creativity, and a commitment to the mission and values of their work. Young people mentored by elders with these qualities were more likely to embody these qualities themselves. This is a great benefit of being a mentor: It makes you more committed to cultivating your own positive values.
President Obama visits a B.A.M. group in Hyde Park, Chicago. B.A.M.
5. Show vulnerability
As a mentor you have to be willing to be vulnerable with your mentees about what is going on inside you. If you want your mentees to open up, you have to be willing to share as well as appropriate (this makes it very different from a classic therapist-patient relationship)—at least within certain limits.
For example, one of my young guys was having a lot of trouble with his girlfriend. Without going into too much detail, I told him that I was also having a tough time in my relationship, that relationships are hard, and that there is no silver bullet. This openness created a sense of connection between us. You do not need to pretend like you know everything to be a good mentor; you just have to be real about what you do and do not know.
6. Don’t force it
I had one young man whose parents really wanted me to mentor their son, but he showed no interest in repeated attempts to connect. At the end of the day, if a young person does not want to be mentored, it will not work. Similarly, you need to have a genuine connection between the mentor and mentee for the relationship to work. I met with one young man who I just could not connect with. You do not need to judge yourself or blame yourself. Just let it go and be honest about the fact that some people don’t click.
7. Don’t take yourself too seriously
Do not confuse meaningfulness with seriousness. When I first started mentoring, I made it very serious and was overbearing at times. Over the years, I learned that if I lightened up, made some jokes, and found ways to bring humor in, I invited more intimacy, connection, and made the whole thing a lot more fun (which is important if you are going to do this for many years).
8. Don’t think too hard
Of course, there is nothing revolutionary in any of this. Humans have been mentoring humans for thousands of years. In fact for most of human history, mentoring and apprenticeships were the predominate mode of learning. As is so often the case in our culture, we need to re-learn what once was a predominant mode of being.
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